BABY BE MINE: miscarriage memoirs

Think Pink

I think I've decided blogging isn't for me and with TWIN GIRLS on the way - when will I find the time!!??!!??

We are now in our 25th week and things are going along great. I thought I'd give a quick update for the few still checking in just in case I disable the blog...

We're Pregnant

It worked! I am so happy to say that after three and a half years of trying to have a baby, two losses, and two years since I was last pregnant, and after only our first IVF cycle, we are finally pregnant again!

Things are looking pretty good so far - beta Friday was 202; beta today was 1037, next beta is Sunday and  first ultrasound will be November 9th. Our EDD is June 29 - which seems like a lifetime from now.

I am taking my prenatal vitamin, low-dose aspirin, estrogen patches, three prometrium a day (UGH!) and a shot of heparin in the AM and again in the PM.

PLEASE keep us in your thoughts and prayers. More later...

Still Here, Still TTC

It has been so long since I wrote anything; I have no idea if anyone even still reads... After the fourth failed IUI, I just did not have it in me to blog, and I'm not even sure I want to start back up again, but I'm going to give it a shot.

We just passed the three year mark of ttc and are approaching the EDD (July 28, 2005) of my second pregnancy, which already has me thinking of how we would have celebrated out baby's first birthday.

Since the final failed IUI cycle, we have been trying on our own (I still take prometrium and low-dose aspirin) with no luck. I think it's time move forward with IVF. I was ready for IVF in March, but now that I think I'm really ready, I'm not sure how to know if this is the right  thing for us. W's argument against it is that we've gotten pregnant on our own twice and that we need to keep trying. He feels that IVF should be a last resort. My argument for is that I'm tired of waiting and that after three years of TTC and two miscarriages, I think we've reached the time for the last resort. We've had two pretty major conversations in the past two weeks, the second one being last night, so I just don't have it in my right now to transcribe that conversation. The bottom line is that we both want a child desperately, but it seems as if we are not on the same page right now.

When did you know it was time to move forward with IVF?

If you and your partner were ever not "on the same page" as far as fertility treatments, how did you work to reach a resolution/plan you we both happy with?

Help.

It only gets harder

You know, there are a lot of things that get easier and easier the more times you do them. TTC is not one of them. I am sitting here facing the probability that my fourth IUI was not successful thinking how this just keeps getting harder and harder as each moth passes. This was our last shot with IUI and it looks likely that we will be moving on to IVF, but I am still holding out the absolute smallest bit of hope that all the signs my body is giving me are wrong and that it did work this time. I'll start looking for spotting by Wednesday, and I am supposed to poas Friday - the day after out 4th wedding anniversary.

three strikes

I am supposed to poas tomorrow morning, but started spotting today, so it looks like bad news. The thing is, I had already decided that I would poas tonight just in case I got bad news - I didn't want to have to deal with the emotions in the morning before work. And now that it looks certain the news will, indeed, be a BFN, I just can't seem to bring myself to pee on that damn stick and deal with reality.

So much for the third time being a charm; I just hope it's not three strikes and I'm out!

Moments and Miracles

Tomorrow is my third IUI. I have one follicle on my right ovary, took my trigger shot last night at midnight, and now I'm just praying that tomorrow is IT. W's "collection" appointment is tomorrow at 10 AM, and the IUI is scheduled for 11 AM. I've decided to take the day off. My last two IUI's were on a Saturday and a Sunday and I found myself pretty emotional afterward - I think just the fear and worry and stress of going through all this - so I've decided to anticipate my mood and not try to work tomorrow, but instead come home and take it easy - ease myself into the torture of another TWW. I've already got my ipod loaded and ready to get me through the next seventeen days. The song I think I've listened to most over the past several months is U2's "Stuck in a Moment." I feel like I've been stuck in a really crappy "moment" for the last 2 and a half years, but it's the last two lines of this song that speak to me most - "It's just a moment/This time will pass." God, I hope this time WILL pass - SOON. Here are the complete lyrics...

Im not afraid of anything in this world
Theres nothing you can throw at me that I havent already heard
Im just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company

Youve got to get yourself together
Youve got stuck in a moment
And now you cant get out of it
Dont say that later will be better
Now youre stuck in a moment
And you cant get out of it

I will not forsake the colours that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks, they left you with nothing
I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears, through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know its tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you dont really need now, my, oh my

Youve got to get yourself together
Youve got stuck in a moment
And you cant get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
Youve got yourself stuck in a moment
And you cant get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm till you discover how deep
I wasnt jumping, for me it was a fall
Its a long way down to nothing at all

Youve got to get yourself together
Youve got stuck in a moment
And you cant get out of it
Dont say that later will be better
Now youre stuck in a moment
And you cant get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day wont last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass
Its just a moment
This time will pass

And I have new song that I absolutely fell in such love with the minute I heard it - Ordi.nary Mir.acle by Sar.ah McLac.hlan. I heard her sing it on Opr.ah a few weeks ago, and as soon as the show went off I ran to my computer to download the song to my ipod...

It’s not that unusual
When everything is beautiful
It’s just another ordi.nary mir.acle today

The sky knows when its time to snow
Don’t need to teach a seed to grow
It’s just another ordin.ary mir.acle today

Life is like a gift they say
Wrapped up for you everyday
Open up and find a way
To give some of your own

Isn’t it remarkable?
Like every time a rain drop falls
It’s just another ordin.ary mir.acle today

Birds and winter have their fling
But always make it home by spring
It’s just another ordi.nary mir.acle today

When you wake up everyday
Please don’t throw your dreams away
Hold them close to your heart
Cause we’re all a part
Of the ordin.ary mira.cle

Ordin.ary mir.acle

Do you want to see a mir.acle?

It seems so exceptional
That things just work out after all
It’s just another ordina.ry mira.cle today

Sun comes up and shines so bright
And disappears again at night
It’s just another ordin.ary mira.cle today

It’s just another ordinary mira.cle to.day

I guess in the past I always viewed pregnancy as one of those "ordin.ary mira.cles" - a miracle, certainly, but ordinary in the sense that it happens all the time, everyday, as something people, including myself, took for granted would just happen. One definition I found for ordinary was "commonplace." Turns out getting pregnant has not turned out to be so commonplace for me, but the fact is this song gives me hope (in a way that I have trouble explaining) that one day - just like the sun rises and sets, just like birds find their way home in spring, just like seeds know how to grow - I will experience that ordinary miracle I have been waiting for so long.

I'd love to know if you have special songs that are helping to get you through these "moments" and what they are (the songs, that is).

Out With the Old, In With the New

I will not make any crazy new year's resoultions in this post that I know I'll never keep (like I'll stop eating chocolate). I will also not make any new year's resoultions in this post that I know are ultimately out of my control (like I will get pregnant). Instead, I'm going into 2007 feeling hopeful - I know things cannot get worse, so I just have to HOPE that this new year will be better.

I am so glad the holidays are over and I can officially put 2006 behind me forever! I think the toughest part was remembering that this time last year I was pregnant. I got maternity clothes and baby clothes, pregnancy books, all sorts of pregnancy paraphernalia for Christmas 2005 and there was something special about ringing in 2006 believing that would be the year I had a baby. But this year was different - I never got to wear the maternity clothes or use the baby items; no baby's first Christmas. Last year my mom bought the outfit on clearance after Christmas and it still hangs in the closet of what would be the nursery. It pisses me off that my baby was supposed to wear that outfit this Christmas, but I don't have a baby.

I was only pregnant for a few days in 2006, and then I realized that in all the months of 2006 I did not get pregnant once. Let's be realistic since I had a D & C in January and pretty much skipped the month of February, I had ten chances to get pregnant in 2006 and couldn't.

Yep, IUI cycle #2 was a failure. I hate to admit it now, but I just knew it had worked this month. I just knew that I was going to start the new year pregnant. I really thought I had skipped all the PMS moodiness that I am usually so in tune to and I always get this huge zit on my chin about the third day after I've started prometrium - no zit. I was feeling so optimistic, but the night before I was supposed to poas I started spotting, so I pretty much knew that was it and by the next a.m. I knew I was right- a BFN. And I used on of those stupid digital tests which seem so much crueler in that the words Not Pregnant actually stare back at you from the damn stick.

Yesterday I had my day three ultrasound - four follicles on the right and 7 on the left and we're upping my follistim from 50 to 75 (what's the unit? can't remember) in the hopes of growing more that one follicle. What? I thought that was what we were trying to do the first two times. And then I learn that the first IUI cycle really doesn't count anyway since we just used clomid. Huh? Anyway - started letrozole yesterday for five days, then two injections of follistim on CD 7 and 8, then back for an ultrasound Saturday morning.

So, what I want to know is if this sounds right to you all who've been through this before. How many cycles of IUI did it take, and if IUI didn't work for you, what was your next step?

So, 2006 is over and I am so thankful for that. I really feel like I spent the entire year recovering emotionally from my second mc and desperately trying to get pregnant again and thinking of nothing else that I don't even know where the year went. I don't think I can have another year like that. 2007 has to be different, and I have to believe it will be.

IUI #2

Today was our second IUI. This month we used letrozole and follistim followed by an hCG trigger shot (those hurt!). I'll poas on December 27th. Thank goodness it worked out that the "news" will be after Christmas. My nurse told me she has another IUI patient who has to poas on Christmas Eve. I would be a wreck!

I have been so bad about posting and commenting, but things always get so busy this time of year and I never fell like I have time to devote to sitting down and writing. Like right now, I'm trying to finish this as fast as possible so I can move on to something else.

Still deciding if blogging is for me...

With two weeks off for Christmas break, I hope to get back in the swing of things!

As it turns out, no signs are a bad sign

2 HPT's later and it's still a BFN. I could write one hell of a post right now, but I'm wiped!Suffice it to say, this sucks!

Are no signs a good sign?

I want to poas. I am obsessed. The waiting is killing me.

Before IUI, I would always poas 14 days after my LH surge - well, that's today. However, my IUI instructions say to poas 17 days after IUI - that's Tuesday. I'm thinking what's the harm in testing Monday night? I can't stand the thought of getting a BFN Tuesday morning then having to go off to work and act happy. If I poas Monday night, then at least I'll have the evening to deal with my emotions. W agrees - the waiting is taking its toll on him as well. He's actually the one who brought it up today which means the waiting is really weighing on him because he usually waits for me to bring up any TTC conversations.

As far as symptoms - none that seem to be clear one way or the other. I was definitely moody last week. It started out a couple of days after I started the prometrium as grumpiness, being short with W, easily frustrated; then after a few days of that it turned into weepiness. This is a new one. My PMS usually manifests itself as grumpiness, so I am worried I am not pregnant. But I'm never weepy during PMS, so I am hoping that's a good sign. Other that this moodiness, which seems to have subsided (another reason to make me think it was PMS) I have had no symptoms. Are no signs a good sign?

Usually by now I have begun very light spotting. Now every time to go the the bathroom (which is becoming more and more frequent - not because I have to go, that would be a symptom, but because I want to) I am scrutinizing the t.p. for the slightest tinge of pink. So far, nothing.

I am worrying that my thinking may be too negative. I sound like I'm expecting a BFN when what I want more than anything is a BFP. I think this is my way of preparing myself for bad news. If I expect a negative (which I've gotten a lot of the past two and a half years), then I'll be prepared for the emotional letdown. On the other hand, imagine how completely elated I'll be if I actually get a positive.

BTW, it's been one year and one week since my last BFP - that's a long time to wait for good news.